A Work in Progress

Double my doses and add to the mix...
So recently I've tasted insomnia.  For the last 6 weeks i've been QUITE unable to sleep.  averaging 4 hours a night, at the least 2 and most 6.. but 6 hours only happens with the Ambien my doc gave me.    Ambien however has been quite trouble some, leading to visual hallusinations (no shit) and headaches.. plus only 3/4 of the sleep it promises...  I now have a wonderful 2 month supply of Lunesta, max dosage.  Not to mention the doubling of my other scripts...   My doc is loving the pills apparently... soon i will too.

Sober February.

over and failed.. First mistake...  Taking this girls fake ID out to the Shire (local dumpy bar) watching about 12 troopers roll in and raid the place.. I was ticketed and fined.. Also threatened and watched a dear guy friend of mine get cuffed and warned of the dangers of rape in jail.. haha cops on a power trip are silly.  I then proceeded to get entirely shit faced last tuesday (sprained my ankle, bruised my knees  and some how damaged my back... i think it was the table in the mail room!)  ahhahaha  Last Thursday... real drunk again.. my favorite pizza guy said "I haven't seen her this bad in a while"  thats all i remember from 1-4 am... oh dear.  Then this wednesday Kateri and I proceeded to stay at the townhouses and have a wonderful time with some of our favorite guys... games included.. bull shit pyramid, asshole, Never Have I Ever (BEST GAME!!!!) and strip pong- Yeah they pulled out cameras.   

Oh stop making that face....
It would appear I'm back up to my old tricks... I wouldn't say so though...  certainly more toned down with a much lighter mood...  Its not always partying cause i gotta  (I gotta snuff you!!)  Its partying cause its fun.  Classes are actually a consideration... work gets done.. interviewing for jobs and all... planning ahead even.  Yay for progress though not much.

Signs of progression
I took a stand last week and I would say I won.. but we'll see when we get back to school if I feel the need to answer a call at 2 am..  or perhaps it wont even come and I will really and made my point.  
Speaking of calls...
last weekend within 12 hours I got calls from Pawlick, Luke and Scott and I hadn't talked to any of them in some time... pretty fuckin freaky.  Saw Scott the past few nights.. Ive missed the ESF group... they are MUCH fun.      2 more days till the dorms open back up.. but I really wanna go back today!!  It feels like ages since I've been there and even longer since I've seen a lot of people.  With Coley spending last week with me we spent a lot of time in my building.. granted downstairs a lot to avoid my infantile roomie.. but still many hours of Harrison time were missed.  

How is everyone... 
No one ever updates anymore, but its ok cause I really dont read it much anyway...  Kristen  thanks for the little post a while back (facebook!)  It sure did make my day  hehe 
Aside from my sprained ankel and non sleeping I'm doing ok... I've a bitch of a cold.. we're calling it birdflu..  Family is doin alright.. my dad put our cell phone over massively and has now upped our minutes... wonder how he'll feel when he sees my millions of texts on the bill?? whoops!  Mom  started working a little while back.. so of course everyone in her path is suffering for it.  I battled her a few weeks ago.. only over the phone.. but I won.  You can tell by the way she spent the rest of the night and following day crying in her room and toking up.  Idiot.  Lets just say the convo ended with me saying "Maybe I'll call back later, and maybe you wont be such a psycho bitch" *click*   hahaha   felt great.. until i found out that nicole is still paying for it..  

If I had anything interesting to say.. it'd go here
I went to Boston a few weekends ago to stay with Kateri's brother.. it was SO much fun..  We went to the boston public library... (INCREDIBLE)  I would probably get married there... We also wen to the museum of fine arts.....  let me just say they had actual picassos and degas there.  I pretty much didn't know what to do with myself.  Tonight Kateri and I are going to the symphony..   I love things like this.. I dont know why I've missed so much in the past few years... I haven't really expanded my cultural horizons since.... perhaps middle school?  9th grade?  When I stopped playing flute...  Sadly I think I had other priorities for far too long.  Live and learn eh?

You can't touch me.
but you've tried!  haha...     JULIA & I are living in the Heights!!!!!   (cute little on campus appartments)  I dont think we have a balcony which makes me wanna weep.. but thats alright.. We have one bedroom and then there are 2 LARGE mommas in the other.. they'll be 21 though.. so that'll be pretty fantastic.  Not to mention all my favorite boys are in the same set of appartments.. something I learned much later... hahah... it'll probably be a shit show- but we heart those.  310 baby... whoop whoop! <3

I dont listen to Johnny Cash (well only Hurt) 
But I'm walking a line..  a fine one.. I totter back and forth like my drunken mother's emotional state.  I'm trying hard to turn my head.. close my eyes.. be distracted...  but sometimes even 100 miles isn't enough to make me forget whats been lost.  Tell me how you've done it?  is it all about replacement?  cause i've just not been able to find the right fit..  My fingers dont wrap quite as nicely with anyone elses...   Let me know your tricks!!  

Silly Rabbit- stop turning tricks.
I've set up DSL for the Allards and right now the Satelite guy is on the roof getting them 155 channels they dont really need.  They haven't had TV in 15 years cause they live too far out for most dishes and ALL cable to reach.  In the last 24 hours they have joined the 21st century.  Congrats Allards.. I award you *most improvment over break*   Alright... this entry is getting MUCHHH to long.. considering theres no substance here. I was really just trying to waste time til the TV guy leaves cause I wanna shower.. haha  

Peace clowns

How is everyone these days?  Enjoyed the holidays I hope?  College goers getting ready to think about starting to plan to go back to school? (college is all about procrastination disguised as planning ahead) Well I just thought I'd do a little reporting on things.. not news though really, just an update

I'll be going back to school in January for sure.  I am only registered for one class however, but I'll take care of the rest later.  I'll be living in Mitchell Hall.  Until they re-did Dablon, Mitchell was the nicest dorm and it is by far my favorite.  The space between Mitchell and the entrance to the academic buildings is my favorite place on campus too.. esp in the spring time! So I'm hoping that these little bits of happiness brighten my days.  Also, the best place to watch sunrise on campus in about a 130 second walk from my new room.  So pretty much I'm psyched! <3 

But the unfortunate part of the whole thing is that I have a roommate!  Some random girl, I dont really know.  I'm not very pleased about it.  But perhaps it will be a whole new world of people, experiences and chances that I would have never had otherwise.  I mean, I probably wouldn't even be here to type this had it not been for the "random girl" I was assigned last year.  Kateri became my best friend and she and her family became a key part in this battle for health I've undertaken.

I've been a spending fiend the past few days, buying clothes and today I bought shoes!  Wonderful new boots and some fantastic little black sneakers.  I spend a lot of money when midly depressed, so this is a good sign.. leaving bed to go shopping... FANTASTIC!  haha, but seriously, it just might be a step in the right direction.

Speaking of the right direction, my doctor prescribed Zoloft to me.  This is now the 4th brand and 5 medication trial.  Amusing no? No, I guess not.  I think its getting a little silly, but really I just hope to feel better someday.  Without the anxiety I think the depression might being to fade, and I would be a much more plesant being..  that'll be the day!

I'm done working at Penny's.  Today was supposed to be the last day, but I blew it off.  Probably a bad choice, but screw that.  haha

Yesterday I got my licence!  After being permitted for the past 3 years, I finally got around to it.  Yay me

For me this "break" has opened my eyes and helped me mature some.  I've learned a lot about the quality of people I surround myself with & the impact I allow them to have on me; and if nothing else I've removed myself from one situation that was bad for me.  Though now I'm just being thrown into another situation that I have little to no control over. 

With school looming about a week away I'm feeling really nervous; and although I wouldn't say I'm nessesarily in a better place to start out, I'm a little wiser for the wear.  So, good luck to me!  And good luck to everyone else too.  Happy 2006.  I truely hope this is a happier & more productive year for us all.

~All my love.

Haven't updated in a while nor have I been online.. its been quite the miserable week/weekend followed with a flu-symptom monday.. I was sicker than the dog you are. 

In other news Christmas is a mere 5 days away, and I couldn't be less excited.  The past few years it just hasn't felt like christmas and this year I will be a guest in my mothers house for xmas eve/morning.  This "war on christmas" that they keep whinning about amuses me.  I get my kicks from the daily show these days, that and the misery of others. 

I've been spending some nights at Katies house in hopes that I'll be able to sleep a little better if I dont fall asleep in tears.. turns out I fall asleep just fine, but then by 4 am I am wide awake.  Pretty poor sleeping habits if you ask me.

I feel really lonely 98% of the time.. the other 2% I am attempting sleep..  I was hoping this break from school would help me..  but to be honest, when you set out on a hunt for something imaginary, can you really expect to be successful?  

Well I dont seem to be as sick today, (though I dont intend to push it) so I think I shall continue crafting gifts, and Friday I plan to shop my little brains out. 

Take care

<td align="center">Salvador Dali



Salvador Dali should paint your portrait. You love to think about the world in a different way then everyone else. You are very ambitious, and you like strange things. You are curious about everything and love to learn.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

<td align="center" style="background: #FFFFFF; color: #000000;">Jes10's Reason for Travelling Back in Time:

To go to Woodstock


Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

"OH MY GAWD! That is SO 4 boyfriends ago!!!!! Why does everyone think that my current is like that!?" - The Gayest Gay-man alive. I heart him. He then proceeded to ask MY opinion on a fashion pin. hahaha...

I hate lazy fucks. I know I used to say I did NOTHING at the library.. but I sure as shit worked hard enough to pull my own weight. There are some idiotic twits at Pennys I'll tell ya. but its alright. its a job i'll have for like 5 weeks. just enough to xmas shop and a few things for me to reward myself. haha. as i obviously deserve it (pssssssssshhhhh)

anyhow.. off to bed! I have to get up at 6.. to drive to whitesboro and then sleep more until the doctors at 11. I have to work 10.5 hours tomorrow. Chances are I'll be dead. If such is the case I leave everything to my siblings and whatever they dont want goes to charity.

I find secrecy unfair!!!

Went to Saw 2 last night :) Good movie but such a bloody mess!!

Everyone is home for Thanksgiving break so I guess I'll leave town.  I feel bad leaving my dad behind though- I hate disappointing him. *escapes to Cazenovia with Kateri!* (Sometimes I get reception out there if there was a need to reach me....)

Have a Happy Thanksgiving

Blue morning, Blue morning
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone.
Curiosity, Kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own.
Your can look outside your window,
He doesn't have to know.
We can talk a while, baby.
We can take it nice and slow.

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream.

Well, are you happy where you're sleepin'?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours.
It's been years since we were born.
We were perfect when we started...
I've been wondering where we've gone.

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream.

Well, I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows.
One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for girls and four for boys,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for a secret never to be told.

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin.
Yeah, when you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in.

All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream.
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames, flames, flames.
of your wasted life.
You should be ashamed.

Oh, you don't wanna waste your life, now babe.
I said you don't wanna waste your life, now darlin.
Oh, you don't wanna waste your life, now baby.
Oh, you don't wanna, you don't wanna waste your life, now darlin.
Change, change, change.
I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine.
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me.

change, change, change.

I think it was perfect.  Perfectly everything about everyone.  I want more perfection.

Dear Santa-

All I want for Christmas is the perfect life.  I'll be good for all my years to come.  I promise.

Love, Jessica

Hey, do you think you can choose your heros carefully? Based on research and careful consideration?  Or should it come naturally- should you just know and admire someone?

Now I try not to tell lies
But there's pressures from inside
So I've learned how to compromise
Good people for alibis

not anymore   ^   in fact never again.

and all at once you go numb.

















i'm still waiting for that.

<td align="center">Family is most important in your life.


Having a high focus on family indicates that you are a loving and nurturing person. You want to have a nice big family of your own, and you are very close with your siblings and parents.


Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>



it would seem I am fairly well balanced, no?

Want the whole convo?  Well here it is anyway

Gramma-Well shes addicted to alcohol, and cocaine isn't addictive, crack is, but cocaine isn't.

me- ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!! Cocaine is very much so addictive.. you really ought to go and get a book or something.

Gramma- Oh really? See I knew crack was, but I thought you could go out and do a few lines of cocaine just to stay up longer and drink more.

Me- wow. absolutely not. Cocaine is very addictive and it does a whole lot more to you than make you "stay up". Crack is just another form of coke and both are very addictive.

Gramma- well I dont care anyway.

FUCKING IGNORANT TWIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uggg.. talking to my grandmother always makes me sick.. I havent been sick since last Friday (stress makes me puke! lol)  but I can always depend on my grandmother to make me hurl. Dumb bitch. lol... really though.  Ask anyone.  The rest of the conversation was equally as frustrating and a lot more damaging.. but I wont expose you poor dears to it.  In fact I'm sorry I update this often as it is.. but I have nothing better to do all day.  UNTIL NOW!!  I got a job tonight at JC Penny's.  Not that its a good job or anything, but I'm glad I now have something to do with my time not to mention I have a source of income!!!!!!!! whoo!!!!

Tomorrow is a busy day, I have a doctors appointment at 11:45 followed by some Xmas shopping with Katherine and then Scotty Potty is home! So it should be fun.. I just hope I dont wake up with the cold I felt coming on today.  I've been taking Vitamin C so... yeah.  We'll see.  But anyway.  Jon Stewart comes on in 20 minutes and I hope to be in bed for it so I'd better go get ready.  Goodnight loves.  Take care.

Please.. help me find the pieces I've lost.  Bits of Jes scattered throughout history- tell me, what is something that you remember about me?  (comments) Anything will be helpful.  My mind is crazy, so any one little memory can send me down a path where I might find a missing part of me.

Get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me
You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
And these days I feel like I'm fading away
Like sometimes when I hear myself on the radio
Have you seen me lately?
Have you seen me lately?
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember about me
And have you seen me lately?
I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory
Like she said she loved to watch me sleep
Like she said:
"It's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."
Have you seen me lately?
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember about me
And have you seen me lately?
I guess I thought that someone would notice
I guess I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing
Can't you see me?
Come on color me in
Come on color me in
Give me your blue rain
Give me your black sky
Give me your green eyes
Come on give me your white skin
Come on give me your white skin
Come on give me your white skin
I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember about me
And have you seen me lately?
Have you seen me lately

Today's Cancer Horoscope
June 22 - July 22

You're not in the mood to party, but if there's any way at all you can force yourself to go out, even if it's just for a little while, you won't regret it. The heavens are brimming over with fun energy -- the stuff that lively, unexpected conversations are made of -- and if you've been hiding out, that might be just what the doctor ordered. Even if you haven't, get out there. Too much time alone isn't good for anyone -- especially you.

Romance

The stars are enlivening you and your number-one honey -- and you two couldn't be happier about it. It's been far too long since you've both indulged in a little wholesome mischief, so get crackin'.


Lol- so I need to party and have relations with the honey I dont have. Grand. I left college to avoid such behaviors damn it all!!

I applied to JC Penny's and furthermore I picked out a schedule for next semester but Idk if it will work out, I emailed my advisor. I now have clothes to fold and a few appts to make on the phone. I feel like hell.. my dad was sick for the last week and I think I've gotten it! boo.

Scott comes home tomorrow for break! This is happy news because I'm getting terribly lonely sitting here day after day with no one.

Athena


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


--------
also... I took this test a while ago and here are my more recent results

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Paranoid & Avoidant disorders are more prevalent. Schizotypal, Antisocial & Narcissistic have gone down. Everything else remained the same. This seems logical to me.

In the past month my esteem has suffered drastically due to the choices I've made as well as treatment I've recieved from others. Supposed "close" friends have backstabbed and manipulated me excessively and made my hard time a lot more difficult. Its managed to break down what little trust I've sustained through out my life and certainly made me more paranoid. Due to this I've withdrawn from many relationships and find my own company to be the safest (though still very unsafe) yet I yearn for someone to depend on. These same so called "friends" are so manipulative and needy that I've managed to feel responsible for their well being despite my own damage.

Granted this test is not a reliable or accurate judge of my malfunctions, but its close enough to consider surely. Certainly I'm not blaming anyone- after all it is I who continue to choose to let people into my life that only continue to hurt me. Just once I wish I could put myself out there and not be tossed aside worn out and used. Just once...


"How are you doing" they ask.... "worn out" I ought to respond.

Things I learned last night:
It is ok to be burnt out
It is ok to take time out to recover
It is ok to feel a lot of the things I feel
It is ok to act a lot of the ways I act
It is ok to make mistakes (even big ones)
It is ok to falter
It is ok to make decisions (and say no) based on my own best interests

Congrats to the standard self help book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" lol! -Now I just have to read "Co-Dependent No More"

My dad is home sick from work today... I can't remember the last time he took a day off from work for himself.. I think he's been flu-ed!

I LOVE Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Watching them on the TV makes me feel happy.
Have a great day fellow LJ'ers

Reeses Puffs!!

Ever made the same terrible choices 32 million times over?  Me too.

So I'm starting to feel like myself again.. perhaps 78% today.  I feel a lot like Jes- only sad.  So thats a good thing. (depending on whether or not you liked who I was to begin with.. fuckers.)

I think I want to be a social worker rather than a school teacher. suck it up

also I think that I may not want a family, for a few reasons.. 

1. more time to devote to social work/ charity/ improving the lives of others
2. dont have to worry about not finding a husband because I'm in Africa for 2 years in Peace Corps.
3. Never have to give anyone else the power break my heart
4. I dont think I want to fall in love again

lol.. yep.  rational reasons- I know...  The only trouble is that I can't imagine not having kids..  Adopt you say?  well the trouble there is I'd want the kids to have a father figure and plus I find it SOOOOOOOOOO attractive seeing guys love their children and I would LOVE to see my husband/father of my children interacting with them, so I wouldn't want to miss out on that if I were to have kids..  It's sort of an all or nothing deal.

anyhow... mini update- pretty much my days are lame.  I dont do a whole lot, but I'm healthier and that was the point of all this...  Spent Saturday night with my Katherine- good times to be had when we are up to our old tricks.... no wonder her boy friend called to make sure we were staying out of trouble..  I talked to Murray while Kate and I wandered around WalMart for many hours..  Turns out he really is leaving LeMoyne... I've got to get out there to see him atleast once more..  Who will be my Luigi??!!  He really isn't my top candidate for leaving anyway.. I'd say his roommate desereves it a bit more.. Watched the news a few days ago.. a boy at Suny Oswego was put in jail for similar actions.. funny how I seem to want to take the blame for the actions of others. Managing to deny justice.

Luke was home this weekend, Sunday he and I took my Olivia to Kids Country and played for a while :-)  They are two of my favorite people, so that was excellent.  Later he and I played some smash brothers, reminised and just like old times I managed to turn on the water works... things were just a mess from there..   Later he drove me home and we attempted to get some meat ball subs, but had no luck.  Perhaps another time.....  maybe we just need a snow storm.

Today was a long day so I think I'll wrap this up here.. besides I think I hear Pika calling my name...

what you dont know doesn't hurt -until you accidentally find out.

Thank you so much guys

really.

Just so everyone knows- I am no longer at LeMoyne.  I left for the rest of the semester (and possibly year)  to straighten myself out.  I wasn't safe with myself, and to be honest, still am not.  Drugs and alcohol were becoming a real problem and frankly I felt like it was a life or death decision that I made.  If you want to reach me feel free to comment here, or email me.  I dont have internet yet, and idk when exactly I will.  I'm living at my Dad's house in Hecla.

Pray for me if you believe.  Also, I just want to thank everyone for everything.

 

I love you all.